2015

Its been over a year since I’ve written anything, on any of my blogs, and on my most recent night shift, I made a realisation that I missed writing. 2015 has been yet another year of ups and downs and Im at a point where I don’t really know what I want to do or where I want to go.

I am still at my job, working with young adults with autism and challenging behaviour, and I do still love it, although I am now at a point where I am ready to either move up or move on. At the start of this year I was subject to a very viscous attack at work, which made me sit down and question whether I really wanted to stay in that job. After thinking long and hard, and after many chats with colleagues and managers, I realised I did, and have started looking towards further myself in this career. I am now looking to either become team leader within my current company, or move to another company where I have a better chance of progression. I hope eventually to become a foster carer so I am looking for any way to help me in that sense. I cant decide whether to try and keep progress or to go back to uni for further training. Its a difficult decision that wont come easy, but Im at a place where  I cant start looking at my options and seeing where each leads.

So what were my aims last year?

1. Buy a house. This has been successful! At the start of this year I brought a small two bed house. Im currently still living in a rented flat as my house is have building work being done to it, but I aim to move in around May. I feel that I will finally have a place that I can call my own, a place where I can do and change whatever I want, where-ever I want, and I hope this will encourage me to feel more settled as I can make this environment truly my own. I will also have a cat!

2. Relationships. I started a relationship at the start of last year with a guy I really liked. We got on really well, however, after 9 months, he told me he never wanted children, his own or adopted. There were many other issues but this was the point where I knew we couldn’t work through them. It was an amicable break up and I have found someone who looks after me, cares for me, wants to make me happy, and for once, someone who I can actually see a future with, as he wants what I want. Its not easy by any means. my own personal issues are currently putting a stop on many things, but he is standing by me, and he understands that, although it can seem like Im pushing away, I still want to be with him.

3. Massage. Last year I gave one professional massage. I currently cannot give any due to a shoulder injury, but I am still looking to develop this and am hoping to move into massage eventually, but I have come to realise that now is not the time for me to be developing this. I need to be in a place of financial security for me to set up my own business, and I want to build and develop more therapies so that, when I do decide to start, I can do so offering a wide range of products.

4. Family. I went home a little more last year, for shorter periods, and I feel I have built stronger relationships with all of my family. Me and my sister talk less when were apart, but when together, were able to sit together and have proper conversations, and have come to an understanding of each other where were comfortable with each other. My brother and me and still at a same place but that has never been an issue, and I am finally getting closer with my Dad. I see him regularly when I go home and we’ve started having proper conversations. This is something I hope to keep up!

So what does this year bring for me?

I have started realising that I need to really focus on myself. My depression is still here, and it has been going through massive ups and downs, but I am prepared to go to the doctors to try and regulate my mood swings so that I can focus on what I need to do to become stable. I have come to a point where I don’t know what I want to do short term, and although I have an idea of what my long term goals are, I now want to sit down and work out how to get there. Last year was eventful, and it brought around many good things for me! This year will be better!

XxxX

Happy New Year!!!!

Happy 2014!!! I hope 2013 was good to you and you saw the end in style! I know I did!!

2013 was an interesting year for me. It brought me many lows, but along with them it did bring the highs and happiness!! Live still isn’t perfect, but then that would be boring, and I am excited for what the new year has to bring!! I thought I’d write a little reflection of the past year and my hopes and dreams for the year to come!!

The start of last year was hard. I went through a difficult break up, bringing with it a return to my depression and a determination to not let that illness rule my life once again! The break up made me re-evaluate my thinking, both in terms of relationships and my actual life values. Nothing significant happened after that for a while. I worked my way through the stress of college, practice and dissertation and continued to ponder on what I was going to do upon graduating.

Then in July, I graduated with a first class degree in music. I spent the summer working, practicing, applying for jobs and training in massage. I moved on from my obsession with relationships and finally became settled with the person I am. In August I was offered an interview for what was my dream job, working with children and young adults with autism, which I started in September. Since starting my job, I have qualified as a massage therapist, started my own business and slowly become more confident and contented with everything around me and everything that I do.

At the end of this year, I was still battling with depression, I have come to terms with the fact that it will never truly disappear, it is now merely something that I have learnt to control, but I have realised that I am happier and more settled than I’ve ever been. I celebrated the new year surrounded by some of my closest friends who have helped me through so much in the past year, and I was lucky enough to meet some new people too, hopefully people I will also be able to classify as friends within the upcoming months!

2014 is still young, and it is unclear what it may bring. I have decided not to make any resolutions this year, partially because my one last year fell through within weeks, but also because I don’t feel there is anything that I really need to change about myself. I have goals, yes, but I do not feel I can succeed in these with the pressure that a resolution brings.

So what exciting things do I hope for this year?

1/ A house. At the end of last year, I decided to focus my energies on buying a house. It is something I’ve been planning for a while, but now I have a job and know that Cardiff is where I want to settle, now seems like the right time to go through with it. I am now ready to be living in my own place, to be able to decorate and do what I want in a home I can really call mine. … I can also have a cat!

2/ Relationships. Although I am no longer completely focused on being in a relationship, as I used to be, it is still something that I wish to happen this year. I enjoy being part of something that brings intimacy and comfort, but I am now happy not to push something, and to let whatever will be, be.

3/ Massage. As previously mentioned, I am now fully trained as a holistic therapist and have started my own business … http://www.bevtherapy.com I love my current job but hope to build upon this business so that I have clients and something different to fill my time with.

4/ Family. I have never been overly close with all of my family. We have our moments but often find it difficult to keep in touch when we all live so far apart. My parents and brother live back in Dorset and my sister is currently in Paris, until May at least. My parents separated shortly before christmas, and although this has not always been the easiest idea to comes to terms with, I am hoping that it will bring me closer to my Dad, specifically as he won’t be relying on my Mum to pass messages through. Whilst working on this relationship, I also hope to build closer and stronger relationships with both my siblings. My brother and myself have also been close, specifically when we are face to face, but struggling with communicating when we are not in the same house. With my sister, the relationship can be more difficult. We get on well when we live apart, but struggling in each others company. I hope that this year we can build upon what we have and become closer as we both grow up and mature.

I am sure that 2014 will bring many challenges that I can not currently predict, but I look forward to facing them and seeing myself overcome everything live throughs at me.

I hope 2014 brings you everything you hope for!!!! Happy New Year!!!!

XxxX

In Memorium

Last weekend, I found out the sad news of a friend Passing.

Jan Faulkner had taught me percussion from the age of 7 and had become a dear friend. Without Jan, I could not imagine being where I am today, both mentally as well as physically! She was a wonderful woman who spread joy and love where ever she went and touched many people with her kind spirit. Not only was Jan able to push me musically, leading me down my current career path of working with children with learning difficulties, but she was also able to help me overcome many emotional difficulties and crises, and due to her support throughout my teen years, she encouraged me to develop into a strong, independent woman, capable of holding my own. I will never forget her kindness and support and I only hope she knew how grateful I am for everything she did for me!

Jan battled with cancer for as long as I have known her, yet she always seemed able to look positively on life and continued her work for as long as possible. My thoughts go out to her family at this time. She was a wonderful lady taken far too soon.

Jan Faulkner, RIP, you will never be forgotten!

XxxX

My first white feather!

I have always wondered about people saying that they have received white feathers, a sign from above showing them that someone is there for them, or that they are on the right path. I have always believed in a spiritual place, angels and other higher beings etc. but I have never received signs that other people talk about, only a feeling of knowing they are there, which, as lovely as this feeling is, is not always as comforting as having something physical!

For about a year, maybe slightly more, I have been thinking about purchasing my own house. I have a reached a stage in my live where I no longer wish to deal with the hassle of renting, having to harass my landlady or agency to get things sorted, and I now want to have something of my own that I can decorate and furnish as I choose and can live somewhere I can truly call my own. Up until now, it has not been reasonable for me to buy somewhere, due to being in college, not knowing where I would be living upon graduating, jobs, etc. But now that I have a job in Cardiff, and am well and truly settled here with friends, now seems as good a time as any for me to go ahead with my plan!

I sat down and spoke everything through with my parents, what I was looking for, mortgages, solicitors, everything that I would need to do, I have spoken to many of my friends about it, who have all agreed to help me decorate and I have even found myself a tenant for my spare room, and everything seems to be settling into place, despite the fact that there are currently no properties on the market, but that will change after christmas I’m sure!

I finally settled on the fact that it will all be going ahead for sometime during next year on saturday night, and honestly, I’ve never felt happy being so secure on something that I really want! When I woke up the next day, I got dressed and put my glasses on! Caught in the clasp of them was a white feather, and I can honestly say I have no idea how it could have got there, my windows are always shut and I have nothing containing feathers within my room, so I took it as a sign, a sign that I was doing the right thing.

Seeing the white feather filled me with confidence and certainty, just knowing that I am leading my live in the right direction! I know now that I want a flat by July next year, if I can, and my parents have agreed to come up and help me with everything! I am over the moon about it and so excited to start looking and organising somewhere that is really mine! And now, after seeing a sign, I feel I am ready to see, and accept, more, so that I can notice when Im on the right track and when I’m ready for the next big stage of my life!

XxxX

 

A real adult!

I have now been in full time employment for nearly two months and I have noticed a lot of changes in myself within this time!

I recently called an end to the boy I was dating, nothing serious but we decided it wasn’t going anywhere, and I have noticed my distinct lack of want for a relationship. This, for me, is something entirely new. I have always been willing to admit that I am happier in a relationship then I am being single, although I am very independent, I crave the emotional support I get from being with someone, but since becoming truly single again I feel stronger and happier truly being by myself. Maybe because every other area of my life is beginning to settle.

I have noticed myself becoming more mature about the decisions I am making. I have created a budget, which I am just about sticking to, I am cooking more often and making healthy meals for myself to take to work meaning that my diet is good, improving a lot of other aspects, and I am exercising more, slightly less currently as Im working nights for the next few months and Id rather not cycle by myself in the middle of the night!

My live has well and truly settled down and I am content with everything around me! My family life has room for improvement, there are some big chances coming my way that are upsetting, yet I still feel that not only can I cope with these changes, but I can continue to be happy, not only in myself, but for those involved, something I do not believe I could have said even a couple of months ago! I am only 22, yet I feel grown up, that I can call myself a real adult, even in those moments where my young age and naivety truly comes through. Its a strange feeling, one I’m definitely not used to, but one that Im sure I will easily adjust to!

So fingers crossed this feeling not only continues, but grows and develops to make me the adult I was meant to be!!!

XxxX

 

Post-graduation!

Hi all,

It’s been a while since I posted anything on here. Truth is, not only have I been incredibly busy, but I just haven’t felt inspired! But heres a little update on whats going on in my live…it’s all rather exciting actually!

So I graduated from uni, not sure if I previously mentioned it? I got a first, which I am over the moon about, and I got accepted on to the first official early years teacher training being run by the government! Then, out of the blue, I got called up to be offered a place on a screening day for a care team that work in south wales, specifically to work with students with learning difficulties! This is my dream job! I passed screening, and last wednesday I got offered an interview and should hear by the end of next week wether I got the job or not!

The job would be perfect for me, its full time hours in a position that I have dreamed of doing for a number of years. Its only three days a week, admittedly, three long days, but it means that I have four days off that I can use to pursue my other projects; my massage, music and writing! It really is ideal, so I’m keeping my fingers, and toes, crossed in the hopes that I get it!

I started my massage training at the start of July, and have to say I thoroughly enjoyed it! I am now able to give a full body massage, minus the face, and was able to surprise myself by how quickly I was able to pick up the names of the bones, muscles and other anatomical bits that I need to remember, something in school I hated learning about but now, however uncomfortable I get around looking inside the body, I have been able to overcome it and found myself enjoying learning about it! I have come to realise that I am not yet ready to start up a massage business by myself just yet as, although I have a basic business understanding, I am not really ready to have to run my own company, no matter how small! So I have decided that I am going to keep up my practice on the side of working, in the hopes that eventually I will gain the confidence and understanding to open go out alone!

So I was writing to tell you how I was feeling, now that I am a ‘real adult’ according to my Mum, and no longer a student. Well, to be honest, as of yet, it seems no different. It just feels like I’m on summer holidays, which I guess I am. I am working more hours currently, trying to build up my funds to help support me if I need it next year, but other than that, Im just seeing how each day goes. If I get this job, essentially I’m sorted for a while, if I don’t, I’m happy knowing that I’m getting training in something that I really want to do!

So hopefully, I will get back to writing a bit more regularly, but in the mean time, wish me luck on the job, and I’ll be writing again soon!

XxxX

Self-sufficiency

I have a plan for the future, its not set in stone, but its something that I will be trying my hardest to see become reality. I want to become self reliant!

I think the idea first came from stumbleupon.com where I found some images of houses underground, which led me to looking at eco-villages and communities. I love the idea of eco-communities, living in a natural environment, the sense of community it brings and the fact that you can, if you choose, break away from modern society. I have always felt a little out of place in todays world. I love watching documentaries and TV series on the Victorian and Edwardian era, not as a folk in high society, but one of the servants or person of the more working class. I have always been a hard worker and have always worked in some form of catering, serving others in one way or another, and I think this is why it has always appealed to me. To be honest, I just find it fascinating and intriguing.

This is where my idea for self sufficiency came from, and since thinking upon it for a little why, the idea makes more and more sense to me. To be able to rely on myself to provide certain foods, clothing, furnishings etc. for my home and family is something I find greatly appealing. I’m a mothering person by nature and to be able to care for those I love is all I have ever wanted, but also, to be able to do this in a healthy and save way.

Recently I have stopped shopping at my local supermarkets, except for the odd extras I need throughout the week, and instead find myself at the market in Cardiff, where I buy my fruit, veg, meat, bread, eggs and anything else I need for the week and longer. It costs me a damn sight cheaper, especially as I’m currently only cooking for myself, but the food goes further as well. The meat doesn’t shrink when cooking as it doesn’t lose any water, and had a completely different look, smell and taste, one which I much prefer, and I am able to buy the exact amount of everything I need, at a much friendly cost to my pocket! I am then also helping out small businesses, which I feel is important in the current economic environment!

Becoming self sufficient will be hard, I’m not much of a gardener for starts, in fact, I don’t think I have any knowledge on the subject at all, but my mum has a diploma in horticulture, so I’m sure she can teach me. I highly doubt Ill be providing my own meat or milk, but I  can get my own eggs. I love cooking so I can make all my meals from scratch, including things such as pastry and bread … and possibly pasta, I’ve not tried but I could give it a go!

There will always be areas that I may not be able to completely be self reliant for, clothes and furnishings for example will probably always have to be brought, not only for my lack of skill, but also for lack of time, I do plan to have a job after all. The basis of the idea, though, is there!

Why do I want to do this though? Well, I guess its just a dream of not having to rely on anyone else to provide for me. I tend to think of myself as very independent and I guess this is where the idea comes from. In my head its an ideal way of living, its certainly not for everyone, and maybe after I give it a go, Ill have to rethink my ideas behind it, but as I can’t begin to put this action into a few years, due to living in rented student accommodation, we shall have to see what happens!

What are your thoughts on self-sufficiency????

XxxX

A poem

Or a song, not really sure, but I got inspired whilst travelling to band practice the other day and thought Id share it with you and see what you think!!!

Beyond the wall there’s a bright light shining,

The closer you get, the dimmer it glows,

But it holds many secrets, secrets untold,

Tonights the night we end up dreaming, chase the clouds and catch the stars,

Tonights the night we follow our hearts and find the light that glows afar.

In a distant window, beyond the hills,

A Lantern burns the day to dusk,

And shows the way to passers still,

Tonights the night we end up dreaming, fly to the moon to catch the stars,

Tonights the night we tell our stories, follow the light and find our hearts.

XxxX

Spiritcharms.co.uk

About a year ago I started getting back into my spiritual side. It was something I had ignored for quite a while and I could feel my body  and mind telling me it was time to reintroduce myself to that side of me, and so I started searching the interweb for some way of interacting with like minded people, either in person or online. This is where I stumbled across a little gem known as spiritcharms, an online forum for spiritual people to come together and talk about…well about anything really.

I’ve now been connected on spiritcharms for quite a while now and have made a great group of friends online. I have never met any of these people in real life, but I still feel connected to all of them. Spiritcharms is a happy, friendly community that I felt a part of instantly, and, even though I spend a lot of time away from the site due to college, work, stress … etc. whenever I return to the forum, I always feel welcome and its as though I’ve never left!

So what happens on the site? There are lots of different discussions, from anything spiritually related to general bits of news from around the globe, videos from the musically influenced, images of peoples creations, readings and anything else you want to mention or talk about or … well whatever really.

So for anyone interested in joining a spiritual community, for anyone who wants to talk to some like minded people, or who are just interested to sit and discuss, well anything, then I would, without second thought, suggest you go along and check out spiritcharms! Im sure its a move you won’t regret!

http://www.spiritcharms.co.uk

Xxxx

Percussion Music!

Hello all!

My final recital (my last college recital EVER) is fast approaching, and so I have recorded myself playing two of the pieces I will be performing! Partially for you to hear what I get up to on a day to day basis, but also so that I can see and hear what other people see and hear when I perform, so I can make improvements and what not! At the start of July I will be graduating for music college and moving on into my career in holistic therapies. My blog, from there on, will therefore more likely be about matters in that area, rather than in music, so whilst Im still studying music, I thought I might as well spam you with a bit of my playing!

I hope you enjoy!

1/ Ghanaia – Matthias Schmitt

2/ Over the Rainbow – Harol Arlen, arranged for Vibraphone by Max Leth

Thank you for listening and reading! Incase you haven’t already seen, my 100 reasons project is on day two, and two more blogs have already been written, ready to be uploaded on the correct days! Keep and eye on it if you want a smile a day!

Much love

XxxX